I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
