At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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