Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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