so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
