He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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