I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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