Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
