Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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