Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.