So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
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Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.