Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
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I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
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She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"