On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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