that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
