Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
