Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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