even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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