I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
