we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
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I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
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I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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