How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
