Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
