My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
