Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
