Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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