Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
