I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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