I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
