How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
