Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
