My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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