Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
