I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
