wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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