There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
