my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
They took my balls.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
