Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
