Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
