She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
