are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
