how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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