How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
