she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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