i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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