Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
