Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
