somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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