this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
