Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
