Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
