if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
