I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
