just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
