I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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