I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
