Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
