she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
