did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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