I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
